I live with my husband, and my 14 y.o. son. I have learned that if I want to hide anything in our house all I need to do is put it behind something else and they’ll never find it.
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Why is the recorder so ubiquitous in school music class?? If any kid was ever actually good at playing the recorder, we would all know of at least one adult who eventually went pro
The tooth fairy left an ominous note about coming back for the rest of my teeth.
I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth
Dear Parker, I’m typing this because the fountain pen you sold me does not, I repeat DOES NOT, work in fountains.
Please advise me of your returns policy forthwith.
Can you say your strengths?
“Your strengths”
No like what are they
“My legs maybe”
No, like for work
“Oh lol sorry, idk prob communication”
Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Hearing now that the government closed the Grand Canyon. Not sure if they roll a tarp over it or how that works.
* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *
There’s a lady on my NextDoor app who likes to jump into long threads and write “can we please stop talking about this” with increasing frustration while everyone ignores her and I love her so much
my one true gender
cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.
Bake cookies and the house smells good for 20 minutes.
Bake fish and 4 months later the house still smells like an episode of Deadliest Catch.
i meant to share this earlier
Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.
There really should be more social media sites that pit our closest friends against each other to make our top 8.
Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.
(Flintstones theme song)
ninjas
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city
Sup girl, I hear u like bad boys
*I open the wrong side of juice carton*
*evil spirit flies out*
Oh, so that’s why they say don’t do that
Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”
Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed
I have the same toxic argument every Thanksgiving where I insist that Sopranos is the American Evangelion and my late 60s/early 70s uncle keep reiterating they haven’t watched any animes and don’t really have strong opinions on TV :/
if you haven’t yet today pleaseeeee make sure you get in your hours and hours of screen time. you are your phone’s entire life. it misses you ♥️♥️🫶🏼🫶🏼 always remember this
[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven
[airport security]
*BEEP*
Ma’am, step through again
*BEEP*
Nice try pal, I’m not removing my Slayer shirt
Ma’am, please it’s too much metal
[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u
Therapist: ‘Sarcasm will get you nowhere.’
Me: ‘Actually, it got me to the National Sarcasm Championship game in Las Vegas back in 98.’
Therapist: ‘Really?’
Me: ‘No.’
70% of playing catch with my boys is just them waiting until I yawn to chuck the ball directly at my face.
My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.
Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.