*first day as a coach*
Me: ok gang so we should go with a zonal defence here, remember to watch the runners and stick to the plan, goooo team!
Player: *whispering* guys I don’t think coach has played golf before
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I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.
10 years ago I got my dream job in MI5 and the rest is [redacted]
One time when we were eating breakfast at denny’s my grandma read an ancient mormon hex at the table & accidentally reverse baptized my denver omelette.
Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells CRAP really loud then people scurry like mad
since hollywood has run out of original ideas how about we switch it up with these remakes. let’s see a pixar version of terminator or quentin tarantino’s adaptation of pride and prejudice or lin manuel turn sharknado into a musical
People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.
They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?
Every time a man pisses me off, I pretend we are in a video game & this is simply a tiny side quest in which I am to be taught how to remain a woman who doesn’t do crimes. And 35 years in, it has mostly worked.
Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Him:
Me: I don’t really.
Him:
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
Him:
“Dress for the job you want!”
*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*
No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.
Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?
Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman
i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
Them: We should go for a walk in the park
Me: [Excited] We hiding a body?
Them:
Me: Oh right, exercise
Of the 4 people living in this house, I’m the only one who didn’t immediately try to touch the new cactus houseplant.
They say 1 out of every 5 humans is Chinese.
Out of me and my 4 siblings, I’m pretty sure it’s either Carl or Liu Yang.
Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”
My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.
You know how you have that ONE hoodie that no matter when or what you’re eating — you ALWAYS spill something on it? It’s cuz you’re a pig.
Rewatched Nightmare on Elm Street and was reminded that when I was 8 I was so terrified of Freddy, Jason and Chucky that at night I would pray to them (not God) that if they spared me I’d become their Renfield and offered up my mean bus driver in exchange. We all did this, right?
*Hands girl a card that says Be Mine*
Girl: Aw that’s so sweet
*Pulls out a pickaxe*
Me: Come on, do it I need some iron ASAP lady!
My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, “Big pee pee!” I’m taking him with me everywhere I go from now on.
millennials love books because we grew up watching Beauty and the Beast, in which a woman is willing to do anything to get her hands on a library—even marry a literal bull-moose-man.
At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
My kid just yanked out a loose tooth and set it next to the flowers he got me, and is that…is that part of the gift
after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host