*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*
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Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook, and then watching the 2yo eat a dog treat and ask for another.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend, never owned a murdery cat.
Me: Want to see me do The Robot?
Friend: Sure.
Me:
Friend: Why aren’t you moving?
Me: Updating software.
Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.
good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
Dad Dinosaur: Look son a shooting star make a wish!
Angsty Teen Dinosaur: I wish it would hit us and kill us all.
NOBODY MOVE THIS IS A ROBBERY! *other robber looks over at me* dude no you can move. We talked about this. Get the money
The Mayan Calendar doesn’t really stop at 2012, they just ran out of sexy firefighters.
if there’s anything parenthood taught me it’s that weird ppl have kids too & their kids may become friends w/ ur kids culminating in all around awkward small talk at bday functions
For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.
You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.
i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this
my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired
Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”
Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.
I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.
How do you tell someone you’re the one I want without sounding too much like John Travoltra in Grease.
If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?
me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight
me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding
ME: how old are you?
EGG AND CHEESE SANDWICH UNDER A GAS STATION HEAT LAMP AT 8 PM: im breakfast
ME: and how long have you been breakfast?
When my son loses his 1st tooth, Im putting $1 under his pillow and a note that says “I’ll be back with a hammer for the rest. -Tooth Fairy”
Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.
If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.
Bear: What’s the matter, pal?
Me: Just down is all
Bear: I bet a good mauling would make you feel better
Me: Dammit, I said no!
Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.
Got fired as a detective.
I have no clue why
FRIEND: Make her the center of attention
ME: Okay
[later at restaurant]
ME: *throws food at next table*
ME: *pointing at date* SHE DID IT