The pond is silent. No one has come to feed us bread in a week. Slowly we gather our nerve and begin to wander from the pond. The world is quiet. Empty. We waddle through the streets, unhindered, unchallenged.
Duck World – coming to Netflix this summer
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Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park
Three boxes of the same cereal in the pantry are a sign I should consider using a shopping list at the supermarket rather than just winging it.
♫ Hey there Delilah, for your word spell Mississippi
“May I have the definition?”
The state siblings can get frisky ♪
and cousins toooo ♫
date: I like to try new foods
me: then you’re gonna love this place *motioning to waiter* NEWER CHIPS AND SALSA, GOOD SIR
The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.
*Followed*
My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.
what is your skin care routine? mine is mac n cheese
Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.
Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”
Cop: you failed to obey the stop sign
Me: I got lost in the music
C: what song?
M: I’d rather not say
C: what song?!?
M: I saw the sign
I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
I saw all your OJ jokes yesterday and they absolutely killed me
walk up to the mightiest oak in the forest and punch it. now laugh as you climb into its branches to let the other trees know you’re insane
Professor: There are no stupid questions
Me: What happens if you stab someone with a healing crystal?
Professor: There is one stupid question
[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN
Every time I eat a cookie in bed, I imagine it screaming “I’M GONNA CRUMB” because I have something wrong with me
My husband: When have I ever steered us wrong?
*Flashback to 2014*
My husband: Trust me, investing a huge chunk of our life savings in RadioShack is going to make us millionaires.
The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.
[table of 6 year olds in lab coats]
How are we supposed to find a cure for cooties if we
*bangs fist on table*
CAN’T EVEN FIND WALDO?!
Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.
Based Erika
birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it
Text my grandma if she wants to go to the grocery with me she replied 🔥
like is that hell yeah or does she want to burn it down
Man there’s a lot of flies in here
( checks pulse )
These teenagers down at the skate park will boost my self-esteem.
Fell on the stairs and I’m happy to report that my dog immediately came to rescue… the empty can of cat food in my hand.
[JAN 1]
*tears off Dec 2016 calendar page*
[JANUARY 2016, Part 2]
What?
*flips*
[YOU DIDN’T THINK]
*flips*
[2016 WOULD END, DID YOU?!]
NOO!!
[grocery store robbery]
ROBBER: *sets gun on conveyor belt so cashier sees*
ME(next in line): *slowly places grocery separator behind gun*
I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.