My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
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Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal
Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.
So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?
My 6yo told me that I couldn’t go past him into the living room unless I told him the secret code which he said was a bathroom word. So I said “a bathroom word” and he didn’t let me in.
*makes snow angel motions in bed every morning tryna find phone*
Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.
I ate so much Chef Boyardee growing up, the only information I want from a colonoscopy is if my innards are stained orange like old Tupperware
You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.
“Daddy, I was just in the bathroom peeing, nothing else. That’s all, so you don’t need to look.”
– my 6yo, not sounding at all suspicious
When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.
As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.
Top three meanings of “I was just joking”
3. I was just joking.
2. That sounded worse than I thought it would.
1. She looks angry, abort!
Retweet this if you want to be abducted by aliens.
If you’re dying, and have recently lost your car keys, take the opportunity, as your life flashes before your eyes, to try to spot them!
Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.
Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.
Pro Tip: don’t fall asleep during the middle of an argument with your spouse over whether or not you pay attention to her.
[team dumps Gatorade on head coach after victory but head coach just happens to be the Wicked Witch of the West]
COACH: you idiots *melts*
Anyone else get annoyed when a TV show says something like “It weighs 5 kilos – that’s equivalent to five bags of sugar”? Well yes, as long as each bag weighs a kilo, then five of them will weigh 5kg. Who exactly is this helping?
him: you’re not like other girls
me, at the urinal next to him: how
I had a dream that I was making an offer on a house and it came with 12 kids. I asked the owner “why aren’t you taking all your children?” She replied “I don’t like them.”
I thought dreams weren’t supposed to make sense.
Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”
Hear me out. If Batman is canonically about 32 then he was born in 1986. And if his parents were killed leaving a movie theater when he was ten years old, then there is a very real possibility
that they were seeing Space Jam.
The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.
Me: *gets in from fishing trip*
Girlfriend: did you catch anything?
Me: *sighs* just an old boot
Girlfriend: okay, what’s she called?
Brain: stop eating!
Me: why
B: you’ll get fat
M: so?
B: there’s only enough vodka to catch a buzz on an empty stomach!
M: oh *stops eating*
Rage against the machine? I bet it was a printer.
My doctor said I look pretty & I am taking that as her professional medical opinion no take backsies
How does a farmer find new cows to buy?
He looks through the cattlelog.
“I wouldn’t.”