Me: Dark Lord, I am your devoted servant. Please accept this sacrifice as proof of my —
Satan: I have a girlfriend.
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I’m basically only good at three things:
1. Programming
2. Counting
Don’t wear pajamas in public. You don’t know who you might run into, like the person who saw you wearing them yesterday.
Every mealtime I put a table mat under 9’s plate to catch the crumbs so they don’t go on the floor and at the end of every mealtime he sweeps the crumbs off the mat onto the floor. I think he’s faulty and would like a refund
Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are
Wouldn’t it be great to be a dog or a cat so you could just walk up to people whenever you wanted & lay down beside them & demand they pet you all over your body – not just when you’re really drunk out in public?
Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.
CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up
ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up
[seeing an angel, appearing to be a glorious half-bird, half-human being]
me: *very hesitantly throwing bread at it*
I literally never cry, so my body makes up for it by leaking out of different places. My doctor says it’s called “peeing” what a dumb idiot.
evanescence – noun: the process of vanishing or fading out of sight, memory, or existence.
So that’s what happened. Great band name, guys.
instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these
I went to a club called Innuendos last night. I’m banned but managed to slip in the back doors.
I asked my 5-year-old what she was on because she was having such a good time wiggling and being weird. She looked at me like she finally met the dumbest person in the world, “the couch.”
Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”
Me: “Fred or Ben?”
9am: “Right, that’s my sandwich made ready for lunchtime”
9.05am: “Right, that’s that sandwich eaten”
“ew what is that?” is my child’s adorable way of asking what’s for dinner
When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.
I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.
ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*
DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?
ME:
DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now
ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere
BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I’m gonna sting him
BEE WIFE:Just leave it David
why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?
*starts the dishwasher*
*immediately finds 10 cups and 3 bowls my kids left in their room*
the only time I can imagine clicking on a Facebook story is maybe if I got attacked by a bird while trying to do something else
*Game Character Treatment Center*
Counselor: Okay new faces, please tell us why you’re here
Pac-Man: Binge eating
Lara Croft: Kleptomania
Ryu: *crying* I can’t stop fighting streets
*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form
when i was a kid we didn’t play house. we played courtroom. and let me tell you, i sent my fair share of teddy bears to the electric chair
The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.
For the past 3 years I’ve been playing this hilarious game where I steal pajamas from women I sleep with. So far I’ve acquired a total of 0 pajamas.
GRANDPA: I have shrapnel stuck in my head from World War II
ME: I’ve had that Chumbawamba song stuck in my head since 1997 so I feel ya