Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
You Might Also Like
I don’t think my car can fly
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making.
It’s true.
After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”
Cain was the first to call out Abelism.
[trying to impress my date] order whatever u want
her: i’ll have the lobster
waiter: [noticing i am pointing a gun at him under the table] we uh. we don’t have lobster
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.
When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?
the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now
Him: “Are you single?”
Me: *flashes back to that time Wil Wheaton RTd me and left me at the top of his TL all night*
“It’s complicated…”
ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.
who called it an infinity scarf instead of a scaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
My husband: *finishes vacuuming*
Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*
M: *hands you back your baby*
Aw, is he getting too heavy?
M: Heavy? No, he smells like old people and raisins.
Person: *yelling at me*
Me: *calmly* Good idea. Saying the same words really loud helps me understand them better
Person: *abruptly shutting up*
They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.
Just asked my husband if he wants to have sex. He said no and went back to his puzzle. Good to know I sill got “it”.
Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir
Amazon only lets you put 51 items in your cart and
A) that’s bullshit
B) I probably shouldn’t know this
I know restaurants have to make a living but a pet hate is “extra toppings: £2.30!” and then it’s clearly one anchovy or half an olive spread around the pizza
Terrifying watershed moment at work today. For years, kids have accidentally called teachers “mum” or “dad” without thinking, with hilarity ensuing. Today one of my colleagues got referred to as “Alexa”.
2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers
I can’t believe I got kicked out of chess club. I didn’t realize there were rules, I just thought the pieces fought like action figures. I shouldn’t have brought Wolverine.
Tough love is true love
We should be broadcasting across the universe that beer is deadly to humans. Then when aliens show up with their beer cannons, we can party while we steal their cool spaceships.
My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”
Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds
*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree