[FBI raid]
Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”
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My husband is always teaching me new things. Like today I learned you can get a lot of exercising while cooking dinner if the smoke alarm keeps going off.
*me flirting
Being goth is hard. The curse on your boss is not working. Ravens are impossible to train. Deodorant marks on your black clothes. Ugh.
checking out some reviews of my local library
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
WHO: omg please stop sharing your stuff
Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.
[sees kid crying in the mall]
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m lost.”
“You’re in the mall you little idiot.”
I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.
Modest Mouse: Float On
Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On
Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.
i hated what my teen was wearing today so i told him i loved it and it looked “dripping bruh”. he changed. follow me for more parenting advice
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Splendid.”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”
“Splendidn’t.”
Doc thinks my mysterious headaches may lessen if I eat ice cream more slowly.
Me: What did you do today while I was at work?
Dog: Me? Nothing. Just slept.
Me: I think you’re lying.
Dog: *visibly sweating* why do you say that?
Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house
Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.
The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.
Finding the smoke alarm with the dying battery is just the adult version of Marco Polo.
I asked for the phonebook, my girlfriend called me an antique and gave me her phone.
I don’t care, the spider’s dead.
Every library has something in it to offend everyone, and in this library that thing is probably me.
Sorry I didn’t call you back, I got distracted for 7 years when I had kids
“You told me to chill out, not to stop punching the chair.”
– My 6yo reminding his Dad why it’s important to be specific with kids.
I’m pregnant, during the holidays, during a never-ending pandemic. The next medical professional who makes me step on the scale better be prepared with some tissues and a sugar free lollipop to cheer me up.
Celebrity divorce statements remind us of the names they gave their kids. “We want to focus on raising our children, Shoe and Turbo Pickle.”
“I hope they bought enough beer so they won’t notice how much I’m drinking”
-My prayer as I pull into my parents driveway
The company hates when I helicopter into work.
It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”
[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.