*car isn’t exactly where I thought I parked it*
Someone stole my car.
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Me: I love spicy foods – the explosion of flavor; the tingling burn that creeps from the back of my throat to my lips; the endorphin rush from the delicious pain that makes me feel alive!!
Also Me: OW OW OW MY CAP’N CRUNCH ISN’T SOGGY ENOUGH YET WHYYYYYYYYYYY
Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”
If a neighbor rolls up in a golf cart to your new house, he’s either the really fun neighbor or he’s your new HOA overlord.
Don’t you just hate it when you have a day off to relax by the pool and enjoy a well-stocked pantry but then your neighbour comes home early and threatens to call the cops?
“No, Mister Bond, I expect you to… draw tourists.”
*evil laughter*
Was asked to work on a team project. Seems “I’d rather give a rabid mountain lion a prostate exam” was not the answer they were looking for.
Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.
Me: It’s America’s birthday!
Kid: Like Brave?
Me: Yes! Home of the brave. So smart!
Kid: I like her orange hair.
Me: …ok let’s start over.
My soul is possessed by fried chicken.
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 minutes long
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.
Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.
Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.
Walking into an eye doctors office 5 minutes after the eclipse and going “I know. I know”
If I was a marriage counselor, I’d just make the couple log on to any dating app for 2 min.
i overpaid one of my credit cards by $20, and now they keep tryna send me cheques and begging me to cash it cause now THEY owe ME interest. I don’t think so queen, let’s see how YOU like it
daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices
God: *creates sunset*
Angel: That’s beautiful. What purpose does it solve?
God: *creating Instagram* You’ll see.
Like sure, yes. Encouraging independent play is good for a kid’s development but like…these people sound like they just want to leave their babies in the wilderness for the wolves to raise
You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.
I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.
People that start a sentence with “Now I’m not trying to be rude” are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.
jesus take the wheel, my smartwatch is telling me it’s time to stand up
can’t talk my ride’s here
ME: I’m not voting for anyone
CLINTON: that’s a vote for Trump!
TRUMP: that’s a vote for Clinton!
ME: looks like I’m voting twice then
Don’t you hate it when some idiots won’t even go 5 mph over the speed limit in the left lane but then when you try to pass them all of a sudden they want to go 127 mph into the sun
Doormats are a gateway rug.
I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.