I think it’s blowing a gale, my friends there can’t see a thing 😀
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We have a big clock on the wall of our living room and now my toddler, who can’t say her L’s very well, loves pointing out other “big clocks” everywhere we go
[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi
Relationship or hallucination? Either way, I’m seeing somebody.
“You will not marry him! He is not of our kind!”
But we’re in love!
“It is forbidden!”
*whale elopes with submarine*
CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine
21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31
31 year old me: lmao nope
[making out on couch]
me: well, wanna take it a step further and see if we’re compatible 😉
date: yes 😉
me: ok let me just get… you know… from my nightstand
[coming down stairs 2 minutes later]
me: whoa *holding sorting hat* why are you naked
Me at 15: I can’t wait to make my own money and buy whatever I want
Me now: *rinses off a sliced cheese that fell on the floor*
First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]Her: do you come here often?
Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*
Kids really be like, it’s too much work to load the dishwasher but let me try to balance this plate on top of this 2 foot stack of glasses, pots and pans in the sink
Parenting talk translated.
“Come on you’re very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Actually means:
“Come on, I’m very tired, you need to get to bed.”
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
SCIENTISTS: there are only 90 seconds remaining on the doomsday clock
ME: [73 seconds still remaining on my microwave hotdog] c’mon… c’monnn
It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?
Actual air attendant:
“Secure your mask before helping your kids.if you have multiple, pick the one with the highest earning potential 1st”
the new ghostbusters r all womans?? seriuosoly. all womans?, this is the most unrealistic thing about the movie about peopel who bust ghosts
me: I challenge you to a fish fight
them: you mean fist fight?
Me: [gently putting bass knuckles on my best goldfish Reginald] no
what forbidden atrocity did Santa Clause commit to be cursed to have to drink 500,000,000 glasses of warm milk in one night every year for eternity?
I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.
Me: why is my water bill always so high?
Me in shower:
Here’s something no one talks about: the kiss-of-death retweeter. They happen to RT your jokes no one else does, so they become the sole retweeter. And if they RT something right away you’re like “that must have sucked.” Anyway stop it Mom.
People on Facebook Nowadays:
*Clicks pic while sipping coffee*
*Posts as DP with irrelevant caption: Every scar makes me who I am*
WTF?
Movember is over, so this week anyone looking like a pedophile is actually a pedophile.
I thought the noise my husband’s stomach was making was never going to end last night until I realised it was a motorbike outside
Bought a kazoo to stick in my husband’s mouth when he snores so he can wake himself up in the most annoying way possible
Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids!
Wife: But we d..
*I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats
Meet Frank and Dolores
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.