Me: I don’t have a fear of the unknown.
Also me: *stepping on something wet* OH MY GOD! What is that?! Why is it wet?!
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“We could do that, or…”
Translation: I’m afraid I’ve just placed your suggested plan gently into the bin.
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.
Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder
Priest Client: “So, how is my floor mural coming along?”
Michelangelo: [slowly turning the blueprint in his hands 180 degrees] “Shiiiiiit.”
[There could only be a finite number of possible outcomes to a situation that you are likely to face tommorrow]
Your Anxiety: ummm lets see!
me: i’ll have the steak
waiter: this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have the vegan
These aren’t even hard anymore.
Now that I’m vaccinated I’m up for any social activity as long as it starts at six, ends by seven, involves food and doesn’t require real pants.
Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger
I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.
I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.
Did you know that by today’s standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered dead?
I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”
A seller on Amazon just paid me for a 5 star review. I feel guilty. Don’t listen to me if you’re checking out the Emotional Support Pizza Blanket
“And on the 7th day, He rested.”
Yeah, because He didn’t have any kids yet
i finally quit drinking for good
now i drink for evil
My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”
Me, first week as a volunteer firefighter thinking we only rescue cats: We’re going where?
I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.
My girlfriend lives over 200 miles away serving life in prison and she just killed her cell mate, 3 guards, broke out and held an Uber driver at gun point for a 4 hour drive just to come see me for an hour. IF THEY WANNA SEE YOU THEY’LL MAKE THE EFFORT
*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*
Having teenage boys over for the weekend is a great way to clean out the kitchen. It’s like hiring goats to mow the lawn.
ST BERNARD DOG: [getting ready for work] Honey have you seen my barrel?
WIFE: Which one?
SBD: The little one I wear AROUND MY NECK EVERY DAY
Did you hear about how people in Athens don’t even wake up until noon?
They say dawn is pretty tough on Greece.
Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.
A pizza falls into a wormhole and is transported to cavepeople times. A woman discovers and tastes it. “Needs mammoth.”
[Explaining nomenclature to my niece]
Well, you see, celebrities used up all the good names the year you were born, Fancy Feast.
Toddler: *listening to song*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *takes a nap*Me: FINALLY! A break from that —
Brain: I’ll take it from here.