Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.
5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.
You Might Also Like
Ok, ok, here’s the plan. When Bezos goes into space we move the planet so he can’t find us anymore.
It never worked for my parents but we’re talking some much further distance here.
On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.
DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this
Flight attendant: Do we have a doctor on board
Me: I have a PhD in mathematics
Flight attendant: one passenger is having a heart attack and one passenger is having an asthma attack
Me: *nodding* that makes two
remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
In 5th grade I had to do a report on Ben Franklin and my parents interpreted it as me liking him so my 11th birthday was Ben Franklin themed
I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”
I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.
Once I burned my Trailer down when I left a candle burning after a romantic date. To keep my street cred, I claimed it was a meth explosion.
I sign all my coworker’s birthday cards, “Please know, this does not mean we’re friends” just to avoid any future awkwardness.
me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me
dad: and they like you?
me: haha oh goodness no
As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly Chinese food.
People with grown children keep telling me that I’ll miss these days, but I promise you that I will never look back with longing on the time I accidentally woke my toddler up at 2am
If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.
Vampire: I can bite you…
Me: Sweet!
Vampire: … and give you eternal life!
Me: Stop threatening me!
Canadians eat more mac & cheese than any other nation
We also rank first for quality of life
I’m not saying these things are related but ….these things are definitely related
By the time you reach 45, everyone becomes an expert orthopedist. “It hurts where? Yeah, that’s your medial hip flexor tendon maximus. I had that last year.”
I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
me trying to fit into my pre pandemic jeans
The plan was to keep eating these alcoholic chocolates until I was either drunk or diabetic. I didn’t bargain on “bankrupt” being an option.
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.
I like to shout, “ohh it burns!” while using a public restroom.
My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭
911, what’s your emergency?
Me (whispering): I’m holding a bagel in my right hand
Are you left handed?
No but I couldn’t use my right thumbprint to unlock my iPhone so I used the emergency button
Okay but why are you whispering?
I don’t want the killer to know I have a bagel
Me: my wife says I catastrophize everything
Therapist: *chuckling* how is she doing?
Me: I don’t know she hasn’t returned my texts for over five minutes I think she’s dead