Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.
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Cardio? Is that in Spain?
“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”
– me, as a proctologist
6 – Dad, why can’t you give princess Elsa a balloon to hold 🎈
Me – Why?
6 – Because she will “Let It Go” 😂
Me – 😢
[getting car jacked] umm i know i’m supposed to resist and all but if we don’t cooperate we’re both gonna miss McDonalds breakfast so hop in
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.
I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex
Why do I always zone out when the server reads back my order? They could be saying “lobster dinners for everyone in the restaurant” and I’d say yeah.
Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.
If I ever get a dog I’m going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine.
Elections?Vote for pizza. Throw the pizza slice in the envelope. Not all of it silly! Just a little corner will do. Eat the rest. As usual
Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation
still processing the fact the US government was like yeah, aliens are real and coming more and more often, and we were all like listen it’s been a hard year lol and then we just didn’t talk about it again
I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.
My favorite part about the teenage mutant ninja turtles is that they felt the need to wear masks so people would not recognize them at their regular jobs
Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….
superman villains:
darkseid – galactic conqueror
doomsday – indestructible killing machinebatman villains:
the joker – tells little jokes
the riddler – poses little riddles
the penguin – is a penguin
We had to cut our 2yo off from YouTube. Like any addict, he hasn’t responded well to going cold turkey but his irises aren’t red anymore so that’s good news.
When Papa Roach sang “This is my last resort” he was on a disappointing vacation, and he’s avoided resorts ever since.
[Standing still for a picture]
I guess you can say I’m *turns around for a second and the camera goes off* not good at posing for pictures.
Whoever has my voodoo doll can you give it a job
Wife: *on phone* our son is on the ceiling, I think he’s possessed
Me: by Spider-Man?
Wife: his head just spun around
Me: *eyes narrow* Owl-Man
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
Wife: What are you gonna do today?
Me: Shower.
W: …what else?
M: Make a new iTunes playlist.
W: Wow.
M: Might not have time for a shower.
Sometimes, I like to establish dominance over my shorter friends by telling them we need to hurry, and then climbing up a staircase, two steps at a time.
According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/
3-year-old: Let’s play zombies
Me: OK
3: You’re the dad zombie, I’m the mom zombie & this is the baby
She tricked me into playing house
Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.