“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous
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I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.
I got kicked out of the casino in Las Vegas.
I didn’t cheat. I just misunderstood what the craps table was for.
When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.
So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.
Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.
MOBSTER: *cracks knuckles*
ME: that supposed to intimidate me?
*his fingers start to glow like glowsticks*
ME: k I’m scared but thats rad
Then there were 3 sets of footprints & God said “This is Deb. She answered my Craigslist ad & U r the one who said we should try new things”
wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]
When my husband is mad at me,
I like to point at my wedding ring
and whisper “forever”
Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it
Asked a guy if I could pet his dog and he said “my wife is coming back in a minute.” Sir I am ONLY interested in your dog but it’s kind of reassuring that NONE of us knows how to function in public anymore
I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply
Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.
Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.
doctor: are u drinking enough fluids
me: i’ve never drunk anything else
My dog is either dreaming or can’t quite figure out how to shape shift.
I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.
Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?
Me: Setting fire to the house?
me: your honor, the defense rests.
judge: well they picked a pretty stupid time to take a nap i mean they’re on trial for murder.
[invasion]
*aircrafts dropping from the sky
*explosions everywhere
*mass hysteria
Me scrolling phone: Where was that alien invader gif?
Any leggings can be fur lined leggings if you don’t shave your legs.
[Pitching my idea]
HEAD WRITER [sighing] This isn’t just the plot of Ratatouille again, is it?
ME: Excuse me, I do have other ideas[Painfully long pause]
ME: So there’s this badger that loves cooking
GENIE: You can’t wish anybody would fall in love with you.
ME: What if everybody just disliked me less?
GENIE: Sure.
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE: Okay technically I should be able to do this but it’s not working.
[electric chair]
“Any requests for your final minutes?”
“Yeh, I want the last episode of Lost explained.”
*acquitted on a technicality
i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
me at 15: i can’t wait to go to college and PARTY!!
me at 20: ok so listen. there’s a new grocery store and GET THIS. i got a mango for 56 cents
i would drive twenty miles away to save eight cents a gallon on gas which is why my wife is in charge of our household finances
8-year-old: *shows me the sample of her school picture*
Me: Why do you look so angry?
8: I was getting my picture taken.
[being chased by killer]
ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*