Me: My doctor says I need urgent surgery.
Friend: Oh my god! I’m so sorry. What kind?
Me: Cosmetic.
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If you had a choice between owning a dragon or world peace, what would you name your dragon?
I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.
HER: (seductively) Is it true what they say about guys with big shoes?
CLOWN: They hide under people’s beds and murder them?
If she’s playing Wheel of Fortune, and has “_ONAL_ _UCK” left to win $8500, then she wants the D
[High School Reunion]
Him: I started my own Law Firm last year
Me: It took 2 months, but I convinced my wife Space Jam was a true story
I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.
Walks you into the bedroom.
Stands you up straight against the wall.
*you notice the sign that says “You must be this tall to ride this guy”
*meeting a medium for the first time*
Medium: There’s a maternal figure coming through. She loves you very much.
Me: Are there dinosaurs in Heaven?
if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy
That awkward moment when the poltergeist in the TV calls you by the wrong name.
Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.
Didn’t realize my teen was annoyed with me until she ordered a Coke at lunch even though we’re a Pepsi family.
The news reported a story about an angry woman, in a grocery store, that drop-kicked a cake.
Dear God, woman. Not the cake!
A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name
How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate
A guy laughed at me because I only have a 19″ TV. I suggested we not laugh about how many inches things are. That shut him up.
Is it “shitshow” or “shit show”? I just want
You may find my attraction to Goofy weird, but I don’t give a hyuck.
Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.
[3 dads circling new neighbor on their bikes]
“im not looking for any trouble”
all three dads in unison: HI NOT LOOKING FOR TROUBLE IM DAD
me as a teen: chapstick is stupid
me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!
Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…
*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.
“And on the 7th day, He rested.”
Yeah, because He didn’t have any kids yet
So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.
[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie
Chores are important for teaching kids the value of working just hard enough to mollify people with actual power
My mom has a rule that we do nothing on Christmas that Jesus didn’t do. Apparently, Jesus drank a pitcher of martinis & hit on the caterer..
I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.
[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?P: No, there hasn’t.
Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]
whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist