4: Let’s play.
Me: Ok.
4: You can be the mommy.
Me: Sure.
4: You’ll have to figure out what all the kids eat.
Me: Nope, I’m out.
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Cop: can u describe your attacker
Me: super aggressive, with a big nose & powerful arms
Cop: u just described a seagull
Me: he took my chips
Couples therapist: So what brought you here today?
Me: An uber haha
Wife: omg this is what I’m talking about!
Couples Therapist: Yes
Wife: He’s hilarious but useless in bed
Boss: Good suggestions at the staff meeting today, Bill.
Me: I talk in my sleep?
That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention
Dating life- Finds rose petals on the ground when I wake up
Married life- Finds my husband’s toenails on the ground when I wake up
Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.
PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET
“Thunder only happens when it’s raining. And players only love you when they’re playing.”
I wish more songs would combine weather facts with relationship advice.
“Earth’s highest recorded temperature is 56 degrees. And women like a man who has a lot of DVDs.”
When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants
I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
*goes to watch youtube vid*
BUFFER
well okay *lifts weights*
*checks again*
BUFFER
*does steroids*
BUFFER
“WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME”
14 Valentine’s Day jokes that laugh in the face of Cupid
idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go
toddler *starts taking his clothes off in the middle of the cereal aisle*
wife: Do something
me *starts throwing dollar bills*
wife: Do something else
I’ll be with you every day, always and forever.
Me: you are laundry, stop talking
*takes coffee from hot barista
*makes eye contact
*smiles
*winks
*sips scalding coffee“Thankth, thexy! Theeya!”
*walks outside
*screams
People that use shot glasses baffle me. Just take a swig out of the bottle like a normal person.
wife: Did you help him with his math homework?
me: No
wife*shows me his paper where he answered every question with “This is stupid”*
me:Yes
Me: How much for the round lizard
Grocer: That’s a lime
I’d like to schedule a disappointment.
3 eggs may not feed my family, but I found 2 boxes of cake mix and Mama ’bout to turn water into wine.
Anyone know how to create an Outlook rule that sends every email to junk, deletes it, blocks the sender, and sets my laptop on fire?
Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep
I Googled “Books for women in their 30s.” One of the results said “Books for women late in life.” I’m in my 30s, not moving to a retirement home.
On autopsy, instead of pumping my stomach to determine what I’ve eaten in the past 24 hours, a coroner need only look down my cleavage.
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.