ME: [leaning over toilet] Hold back my hair
YOU: Ok
ME: [drinks from toilet like dog]
YOU: You’ve made your point I’ll wash up some glasses
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I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.
PRIEST: If there’s any reasons these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.
ME: *quietly tries to open a bag of chips*
Never lose touch with your inner Wednesday Addams.
That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.
Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~
Me, “I want a divorce.”
Looks the same on the way in, as it does on the way out
shout out to the insomniacs, only three more sleeps until halloween
Superwife! Gets pissed faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than your longest friendships. Leaps your decisions in a single bound.
Brain: You’ve got ONE shot at this.
Me: Ready.
Brain: Go talk to her.“YOUR HAIR IS THE COLOR OF HONEY CAN I TASTE IT?!?”
Brain: Magical!
I’m kind of a big deal on the semi-pro yoyo circuit.
A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.
‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’
–Me, every 45 minutes
The Roman Empire: was not built in one day
The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes
i turned 40 and suddenly i can’t see shit if i drive at night and it’s raining. Is the lane still there? Idk. Did the road disappear? Idk. Am I even on the road anymore? Nope.
The song said “Everybody Wang Chung” and apparently, I’m the only one who can follow directions in the produce section of this grocery store
A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.
I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.
[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
We take our 40% off sale seriously at
Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69
I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.
If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!
I went to the Army Surplus store and they didn’t have a single extra soldier for sale. Come on. False advertising much? Old Navy can take a flying leap too.
Happy mothers day to all the moms out there.
I can guarantee i’ll never be a criminal mastermind. Leaving about 237 strands of hair in every room I enter pretty much puts an end to that dream
Manager: Your fired
Me: *You’re
Manager: How did you know I spelled it wrong if I spoke it out loud
Me: How did you know I corrected you
Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.
Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.
I told my date I was depressed. I added, “not like cut my inner thigh depressed, but sleep with you even though I don’t like you depressed.”
I wish that I had the confidence of my 12 year old who is staring me down as he eats the last ice cream cone that I had hidden in the freezer.