I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.
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if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night
Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”
Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.
Those are good neighbors.
Someone gave me a gift and I just found it on a Gifts for Grandma list. This hurts.
Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge
[When water has one thing in it]
SOCIETY: That’s gross you have to throw it out.[When water has many things in it]
SOCIETY: That’s soup it’s food now.
Instruments were designed to be actually played, not “air played,” Kirk.
ME: *opens car door for date like a gentleman*
DATE: *running and out of breath* PLEASE STOP THE CAR
Satan: Welcome to Hell. Did you happen to be a Twitter user when you were alive?
Me: Yes
Satan: Oh okay then we can skip orientation.
If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.
I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.
FYI THIS MAN IS NOT A DOCTOR HE PRESCRIBED ME TWO PLATES OF SPAGHETTI FOR MY BROKEN PELVIS AND THEN THREW A TURTLE AT ME
Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.
Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else
I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.
[At Wedding]
Priest: And do you take me as your lawfully wedded wife?
Me: I do. WAIT A SECOND
Priest: TOO LATE. YOU’RE MINE NOW, IDIOT.
No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.
I saw a hummingbird outside my kitchen window first thing this morning. Guess it forgot the lyrics.
My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.
Keep your friends close and your flamethrower closer.
I hate that feeling when your iPod earbud accidentally gets ripped out of your ear and you want to murder someone with a hammer.
you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore
This recipe takes only 30 minutes.
3.5hrs after preparing all the ingredients, it did indeed take 30 minutes.
yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese
me: where have you been? it’s 5am!
wife: I’m having an affair
me: omg who is he? [excited] tell me eeeeverything!
Who called it heckling a cow and not roast beef?
Rude lady to me, “Well I’m sorry but you don’t LOOK sick to me.” Me, “Looks can be deceiving. For example, you don’t look stupid.”
what pushes u to watch 19 seasons of mfs in a hospital??
“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something