I shed so much hair, I couldn’t commit a perfect murder if I tried.
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*grammar police reads ransom note*
“Bring the money hear in too days, or she dead”
*grammar cop dies*
“Damn, he had 2 days until retirement”
“What’s the deal with palm trees?”
What are you doing?
“You said do tropical humor”
Topical. I said topical.
“What’s the deal with ointment”
Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.
Baby is born.
Me: Wow. Everyone thinks he looks exactly like my husband. I don’t think he got anything from me.
3 years later: child sighs heavily, slams doors, and rolls eyes so far back he can see his spine.
Me: Theeeere it is.
Every Monday I say to myself, “Jim…you need to go on a diet and stop eating doughnuts.” Luckily, I am not Jim.
Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles
88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.
Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that
If we put headlamps on the squirrels that live in our trees, we don’t even need a strobe light for our backyard dance party. Just something to consider.
Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars
Ways I’m like a tea kettle: 1) need water 2) start screaming when someone forgets abt me 3) could burn down a house but probably never will
Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge
Me, a rhinoceros: nice
My toddler is legit angry at me because I wouldn’t let her jump out a second story window today. This is why you need birth control ladies.
Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.
People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.
Every time I find a new gray hair I text my mother to tell her I’m calling it one of the many grandchildren names she passive aggressively suggested to me over the years.
We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices
Conspiracy theory: If they really want to catch Big Foot, why don’t they look at the factory where Christmas stockings are made?
“Call me crazy bu..”
You’re a freakin idiot!.. I mean, you’re crazy.
Husband: Ok, this isn’t funny anymore! Who keeps changing the channel?
Me: I swear it’s not me.
Dog: *sitting on the remote*
Jesus: This is my body
Peter: That’s bread
Jesus: It’s a metaphor dude
Peter: Oh so you’ve been talking in metaphor
Jesus: Sometimes I am Sometimes I’m being literal
Peter: How will we know the difference?
Jesus: It’s easy. If you get something wrong you just go to hell
I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.
I tell my child, “10 minutes till bed!”
She hears me say, “Go put on a Halloween costume.”
Why?
Her: I read on Facebook…
Me: I’m going to stop you there.
my wife says she’s never worked in tech support, but when something is broken she always has helpful tips like “is it on?” and I’m like ok geek squad
not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!
Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..
If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.