I remember one time I caught my ex talking to some dude in an indie band and was telling him she’s sad and she said something along the lines of “my boyfriend is a musician (me) and hasn’t once made a song about me or how he loves me” like bro I play the drums wtf lol
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Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.
Dude is texting with a flip phone, just like George Washington did
I’m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.
Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean
My 4-year-old:
Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.
*Cleans glasses*
“Omg I have a cat?”
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.
Someone want to tell my kids that the color of the bowl has NO EFFECT ON THE FLAVOR OF THE FOOD!!
do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?
I had a friend call to say they’re on their way over. I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough to tell them I’m not home after I told them I was home when I answered the call.
The moral of the story? Don’t answer the phone. Ever.
I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars. Like I’m really glad you can see 92 miles ahead but the rest of us are blind now.
[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…fish: yeah this happens a lot
Conjunctivitis implies the existence of projunctivitis.
‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”
HIM: isn’t wintertime just so romantic
ME (smiles & my lips crack open & blood starts pouring down my chin): oh definitely
Started amusing myself in work meetings by adding “No pun intended” after comments I make with absolutely no pun or double meaning in them, then spend the next five minutes watching people’s faces as they are clearly trying to work out what the “pun” was
My cat said “meow”, so I answered with a “meow”, and now I’m afraid of what I may have agreed to.
Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already
internet flirting is all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket
My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.
Feeling authoritative. Gonna comment “behave yourself” under pictures of people just having a good time.
Me: do that thing I like
Body: sleep more than 5 hours? Pfft lol! Yeah we don’t do that anymore.
Really? Still no Kate? Has anyone even tried yelling Marco?
PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!
BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!
SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!
ME: I declare bankruptcy
CUSTOMS OFFICER: No just like stuff you bought in Mexico
I saw a lady jogging in the rain & I was like, “how sad, she doesn’t know she could be sleeping in her bed right now.”
the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone
Very good! 👍😂