Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.
You Might Also Like
Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.
ME: *hands my boss my first crime scene photos*
BOSS: *hands them back* do them again without the Snapchat filters
Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.
If yahoo! hasn’t given up then why should I??
[first date]
HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.
ME: *trying to impress* I’m a psychopath.
[baking a cake]
Niece: *greasing pan* uncle Jeff, are all cakes made in pans?
Me: *pouring batter* as far as I know
Niece: so technically all cakes are pancakes and we can eat them for breakfast
Me:
Niece:
Me: you’re my favorite
Show me someone who says they’ve traveled to the four corners of the earth and I will show you someone who’s failed geometry and geography.
*Leans head up to wife as I’m dying*
Me: My only regret is…
*Coughs loudly*
Me: …not having something cooler to say as I die.
*Dies*
me: how was your camping trip
5 y/o: good
me: what’d you guys do
5 y/o: camped
Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though
sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
me: well I grew up without a dad and I turned out okay
cw: don’t u collect human teeth??
me: yeah but they’re not my teeth
To be honest, the only thing I really like about being a grownup is getting to eat a Popsicle right after I finish eating a Popsicle.
date: do you like reading?
me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?
The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.
Friend “Listen to this. I had wine delivered the other night and I ended up having sex with the delivery guy”
Me “There’s WINE delivery?”
When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.
I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.
Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
COP: the word booty is painted all over ur neighbor’s house
ME: that’s awful
COP: he has video of the culprit
ME: that’s even worse isn’t it
I have decided to forgive my own student loans. Peace be with you.
[from under your bed]
Babe, are you mad at me?
“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.
succession fans be like “the next episode is gonna be CRAZY” and the episode in question is “sign this piece of paper” “no”
I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.
I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.
I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.
German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.