vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes
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OBITUARY WRITER: so how would u describe urself
ME: oh, very literaly. i guess u could say im… [lowering sunglases] lowering sunglases
Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.
don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags
I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.
😂😂😂😁😁🤣🤣
“Great. Like the short arms thing wasn’t humiliating enough.”
I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.
If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.
The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.
The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,
Participating in a raid on a secret high-tech underground bunker? Be the guy who knows the access codes. The guy who knows the access codes always makes it to at least the third act.
How come those cross species adoption videos are always cats or dogs raising baby birds? Just once I’d like to see a hawk enthusiastically barfing into a kittens mouth.
If a tree falls in the woods and there is no one to hear it, he still tries to play it off like he meant it so the other trees don’t laugh.
Daughter: Mom! I’m bringing Carl home to meet you guys this weekend
Me: I should warn you, we’re going to be nude this weekend
Her: What??
Me: Yes, Friday to Sunday with no clothes
Her: Why?
Me: We want to be naked
Her: Why can’t you just admit you don’t like him
Me: So naked
“He’ll regret that shot till he’s screaming on his deathbed.” British golf commentary. It’s the reason I’m a fan.
*Roommate recording a lullaby album in his room*
*me banging on his door* HEY!! Can you sing a little louder?? I’m trying to sleep!!
Add “af” to the end of all business emails for maximum corporate whimsy
*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*
teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?
me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–
doctor: and are u sexually active
puppet: he is not
doctor: i cant mark it down on the chart if it doesn’t come out of ur mouth
me (sadly putting my puppet down): i am not
[restaurant]
BRUCE BANNER: [tries to pick up a crouton with his fork]
DATE: Are you okay?
THE HULK: I’ve been better.
🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶
Every kiss begins with ‘K’ I whisper quietly to myself as I read his one letter response to my last 7 text messages.
My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.
Always be careful when you drink and laugh 🤣
dreams are fun because I go to sleep a full-grown adult then spend 8 hours terrorized by my high school locker combination
Sam Skoronski
@SamSkoronski
Lovers of board games and card games are going to love my exciting new combo, cardboard games.
One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger’s shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.#Limerick #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over
My wife banned iPads from my kids so my sweet angels stood in the hallway where they thought I couldn’t hear and whispered “Let’s ask dad because he always let us and then we can blame him when mommy asks”.