[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”
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My goal is to do one thing each day that could prevent me from being elected to political office
Valentine’s Day is all about punching people in the heart.
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon
Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.
“Kids, are you asleep?”
Kids:
*turns off the wifi*
MUUUUUUUUUUM
(Family Reunion)
Me: …and the real loud guy who keeps talking with his mouth full?
Wife: That’s Murray…He’s my cousin once removed.
Me: Any chance we can remove him again?
When your 1st kid crawls into your bed, you carry them back to theirs. 2nd kid crawls into your bed, you let them stay because you’re tired. When the 3rd kid gets into your bed, you go sleep in theirs and it’s the best night you’ve had in 8 years.
mom: what’d you do today?
christopher robin: the pantsless bear in crop top needed my help cuz he got covered in honey and stuck in a hole
mom: …okay maybe no more going to the woods alone for awhile.
my fav brides on Say Yes To The Dress are the ones who come in wanting a specific dress but don’t call ahead to see if it’s in stock and are like sooo shocked it’s not there. Baby!!! it’s your wedding dress!!! I’ve called bakeries to make sure they have a cinnamon roll in stock
I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.
Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.
Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.
My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.
[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now
I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.
*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosuar
perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors
I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.
passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
And it was upon finishing my 5th glass of wine that I realised that buying a 16 year old male chimpanzee from Facebook marketplace was the best idea I had ever had.
My kids just locked themselves in my bedroom to “have a party,” which involves wearing my clothes and eating goldfish crackers in secret. I’m not mad, just offended that I wasn’t invited.
Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.
Flight attendant: You’re sitting by the emergency door. Will you be able to open it if necessary?
Me, having just put lotion on my hands: *sweats profusely*
As a kid, I always wondered why my mom never wore the macaroni necklace I made her to work. And now I’m a mom and I’m like, Oh. OK.
I just want to be as happy as the couple described in the first five minutes of any Dateline episode.
One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.
“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….
Gonna swing by church later and see if anyone gave up something I want for Lent.
Oh, when sharks grow an extra set of teeth it’s “cool” and “neat but when I do it it’s “what’s happening to that man’s face mommy?” and “why is he slinking back into the sewer mommy?”
HR: “This is your revised salary. We recommend you keep it confidential.”
Employee: “Don’t worry, I’m equally ashamed of it.”