I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.
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Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.
Sexting:
Him: What do you like in the bedroom?
Me: Sleeping.
Him: No, I meant what can I do to make you happy in the bedroom?
Me: Close the door on your way out.
Him: No, I meant…
Me: Also lock the door.
I’ve heard that some people have kids who sleep through the night and I’d like to know if they use tranquilizers or chloroform
[To Police Sketch Artist]
Me: “Black female…
5’3ish…
Brunette…
Curvy but not fat. Athletic, I guess…
Good sense of humor…
No kids — no divorcees either. Umm.. Must like dogs?…”Sketch Artist:…
Me: “Why have you stopped drawing?”
*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*
*fixes the ice cream machine*
This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.
Guy on fb posted a picture of his baby w/ the caption “1st Easter!” Hell no, there have been like 2000, we’re not starting over just for him
If pigs could fly it would make this pig catapult that I just built completely obsolete.
People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!
[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded
My first workout back at the gym was great… I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.
Me: I changed your diapers, I cook our meals – I basically spend my days doing things to take care of you. Pretty sure I can pour fake tea correctly
My 4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: You’re spilling.
A trailer of The Exorcist comes on.
Non parents:
Aargh I can’t look.Parents with kids who don’t sleep:
Ah a film about bedtime
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Can I box any of this food for you?”
Me: “You can uppercut this piece of chicken.”
I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.
My 7-year-old and I had many interesting conversations this morning. Why is the sun so hot? How do space rockets work? Why it’s too early to ask this many questions.
When I die I want to be dressed like a scuba diver and placed on top of Mount Everest to confuse the climbers
North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.
When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.
My favorite fruit salad is sangria.
I didn’t want to make a scene but not fluffing my wife’s pillows should get the point across that I don’t appreciate the way she spoke to me
kids today are like “so what did y’all do before the internet? did you just not know anything?” and the answer is yes. you would ask your aunt Marge a question, she’d give you the wrong answer and you’d carry that misinformation for twenty years.
[first day as a Detective]
me: omg he was invisible
partner: that’s a chalk outline
me: [under breath] and they stole the body
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “My jet pack is in the shop.”
I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.
It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”
“Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus” is on, followed by “Mega Shark vs Crocasaurus”. Nice job, SyFy. Way to GIVE AWAY THAT GIANT OCTOPUS LOSES.
Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.
Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.
Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.