That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.
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I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.
My apathy is at an all time whatever.
[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
Bouncer: no
George Washington: c’mon man
Wife: Our dog was put down and then my husband died, it was tough
Medium *nodding* he was the love of your life
Wife: Yes of course!
Medium: He has something to say to you
Wife: omg go on
Medium: woof
“I love this song!”
“This is my favorite song!”
“I love this song!”
“No, THIS is my favorite song!”
~ Me, listening to my own playlist
I made a mix tape for a girl in the 90’s & she responded by giving me a blank cassette titled “What I Like About You”.
[lying on the couch, one leg hanging off the side, face and shoulder smashed against the arm, other leg and one of my hands completely asleep] well as long as the cat is comfortable
My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them
Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit
Horrifying, yet familiar
How am I supposed to sleep now that I’ve realized 125 people have watched a video of me drunkenly making nachos?
…. And they didn’t even like it.
My boyfriend is tall, strong, protective and flashes me regularly.
Oh no wait. I’m thinking of a lighthouse again.
“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
3 little words that can bring a man to his knees on a Sunday morning
INTERNET IS DOWN
ME: i have a separate stomach for dessert haha
COW: amateur
I hate when things are inscrutable. just wanna scrute ‘em so BAD.
[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim
It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.
[sees cute girl jog by]
“Imma run up and ask her out”
[one block later still not caught up]
“Ok, wow, we probably weren’t soul mates anyway”
The whispering voices in horror movies but they’re complaining about unfolded laundry.
I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches
I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.
doc: so how are you feeling
me: awful
doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood
My 3yo came home saying he learned how to sit “criss cross pizza sauce” and I just want to know when they changed it from “applesauce”.
*spills wine on Ouija board*
OUIJA: *moving pointer by itself* H-E-Y S-S-E-X-Y D-Y-O-O-U-W-W-A-N-N-A M-A-K-E O-U-T
ME: *moves pointer to NO*
[date night]
*puts on clean sweats*
*clips toenails*
*removes mouth guard*
*dabs a little Dorito dust behind each ear*Let’s do this.
I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs
when ppl hold the baby and the baby cries & parents say “oh he’s just tired,” we’re lying, the baby really does hate you
growing up, nothing was ever more unsettling than when you were at a friend’s house and found out they had weird names for their grandparents. who the f*** is gum-gum
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
Judge: You may
*benches 200lbs in 3 sets of 20 reps*
The defense rests