They did not miss in the small print
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One normal thing I like to do on my my lunch breaks is go on Zillow with my 20 million dollar budget and my f***ing delusions
[boss’s office]
BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: Oh, I get it now
A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.
I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.
Hagrid: you’re a gizzard Harry
Harry: i’m a what
Hagrid: a blizzard
Harry: a what
Hagrid: a scissors
Harry: what
Hagrid [in tears, trying so hard]: a squidward
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
“Stop hitting me.”
-Rock bottom.
My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic
make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight
Me: Hi, the names Pete. What’s yours?
Engelbert Humperdinck: Engelbert Humperdinck
Me: Fine, don’t tell me.
Thanks to everyone who watched The Way I See It tonight. I appreciate all of your comments. #VOTETheWayYOUSeeIt
I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.
Pigeon open mic night.
‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.
Wife: Our dog was put down and then my husband died, it was tough
Medium *nodding* he was the love of your life
Wife: Yes of course!
Medium: He has something to say to you
Wife: omg go on
Medium: woof
Do people with insomnia know about Coldplay?
*snaps wife’s nighttime eye mask*
You up?
I just yelled “WAKE UP,” to which my 4 year old responded “WHYDONTYOUPUTONALITTLEMAKEUP,” so no one question my parenting ever again.
*spends ages choosing a ring tone.
*puts phone on silent
Employee: Sir you’ve been in that changing room for half an hour, what are you doing?
Me: *Crying* WAITING FOR IT TO WORK
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button
–cats
The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
I deliberately mispronounce ‘quinoa’ and then adjust the server’s tip according to how condescending they are when they correct me.
It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.
[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
My security system is just a bunch of my unpaid bills taped to my front door
don’t look at the title of Kill Bill before you watch because it’s a bit of a spoiler