[God making coconuts]
ANGEL: Hair on the outside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: Milk on the inside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: So, this is another mammal?
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, no
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“THE YOGURT HAD MY GOD DAMN NAME ON IT, NANCY.”
Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.
I sure do wish I had “Queen” energy rather than “starving raccoon rummaging through a trash can” energy but here we are
I’ve never stepped into a bear trap, but I have asked a friend if he was going to a mutual friend’s party only to learn that he knew nothing about it because he wasn’t invited.
2: I no want to eat pasta! It too spicy!
Me: Oh ok then
2: I no wan watch Mickey Mouse he too spicy!
Me: huh?
2: NO BATH TIME BATH TOO SPICY
Kids today have iPads, but when I was little my parents kept me busy on road trips by saying, ‘keep an eye on the trailer, and let us know if it falls off.’
Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad
Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”
And that was the last time she was invited over.
The only thing we need to bring back is duels.
I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.
Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.
One of my biggest fears is the serial killer saying something funny while I play dead.
[pretend restaurant]
4-year-old: what do you want ?
me: pizza
4: we don’t have pizza
me: what do you have?
4: nothing
me: I’ll have nothing
4: we don’t have that
me: *throws table* this is bullshit!
Whoever decided on spelling “biscuit” really needs to get their shuit together.
buying dead houseplants to save time
Sorry I followed your minivan for an hour. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ends.
Me: the cords are tangled.
Brain: pull at them.
Me: shouldn’t I just untangle them?
Brain: pull at them violently.
Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?
Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.
A super villain who foils all your plots, but your plots are just lasagnas and he makes them cook super unevenly.
Just saw a large group of 20 yr olds saying a blessing before eating.
Then I realized they were all just looking at their phones.
The expression “you catch more bees with honey” also could imply that you may get stung by said bees.
I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
DON DRAPER: These Simpsons, they’re yellow?
ROGER STERLING: As the day is long.
DON: And the boy?
ROGER: Bart, lotta triangles on his head. (puts out cigarette) Sister, too.
Try that* in a small town.
*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.
FRIEND: Did you hear there is some guy on the loose stealing puppies?
ME: That’s terrible!
*my backpack starts barking*
[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]
7 year old: how does he still have a job?
me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?
me: time for some laundry 🙂
laundry machine: ok 🙂
me: ok time to dry 🙂
dryer: i’ve invented a new knot. it transcends humanity’s current understanding of geometry. and i am testing it for the first time on your sheets