*shows up to date with broken nose*
“What happened?”
Hurt myself playing football
“How?”
Threw the controller at a wall and it bounced back
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[raises hand in English class]
Why do we need to be learned English?
“Hmm.. Couldn’t have worded that better myself, Luke”
What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.
*PLOT TWIST*
Breaking Bad last ep.
Walt takes off the mask to reveal he was Dwayne JohnsonThe world finally knows what the Rock was cookin
My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.
Just expressed my displeasure by showing my husband the chewed up food in my mouth because apparently I’m 8 years old.🤦🏻♀️😂
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs
me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁
my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died
There are two rules in life:
1. Never tell anyone everything.
Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’
Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.
The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.
washing machines need a ‘good luck’ setting for the things you’re not sure are machine washable but you’re about to find out
‘Drinking water successfully’ is out
‘Drinking water and letting it fall out the side of your mouth somehow and then down your chin and also to your shirt and oh god you’re sitting and the pants got hit too’ is in
[Barnes and Noble]
CASHIER: anything else?
ME: four barns and your finest noble please
CASHIER: get out
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them
Today I want to talk about how someone (the neighbor’s daughter) screamed so loudly about getting a new car (happy birthday) we thought someone was being murdered.
The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.
I like to think my wife’s friends stare at me because I’m hot but it’s probably because they have never seen a potato salad sandwich before.
I fold.
Origami Instructor: That’s why we’re here, yes.
I’m in trouble with the wife because I toss and turn so much she can’t lean the iPad against me while watching her show about a lady who murders her husband.
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus
5: Whose car is this?
Grandfather: Well, let’s figure it out. I just got here and the car just got here. Whose car do you think it is?
5: Mine.
Forced to use Axe Shampoo & Conditioner this morning and now my hair is high fiving people and calling them Braaaah.
overheard in the elevator
dude 1: “I have a song stuck in my head, it’s killing me”
dude 2: “aw man yeah, I’ve got like 4”
dude 1: “at least you’ve got a playlist”
Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.
Even at my age I can walk up ten flights of stairs. But eleven? Well, that’s another story.
doctor: you’re going to di-
me: disney?
doctor: no