Many people are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.
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Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?
Yesterday my daughter asked how babies are made, and I gave such a terrible explanation she now thinks babies come from eggs.
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.
Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week
16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-
The wife: Thinking about getting a tear drop tattoo
Me: Ha, you’ve never killed anyone!
The wife:
5 told me she was really sad but didn’t want to say why so I said if she talks about it, it might make her feel better and she said “I’m sad because there’s no caramel cheese” and now we’re both sad
Therapist: So you’re sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling
I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.
If I was on death row I’d request my own heart as my last meal. But they wouldn’t be able to extract it til they killed me: Catch 22. I walk
Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.
SOCK COP: i’ll ask you one last time, WHERE IS MY PARTNER?
DRYER: rot in hell, pig
I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.
Alien: We come in peace
Human: Aw man, we hate that
My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her
This could be us but you eatin’
Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice
Thought a guy on a bicycle was doing a fist pump so I almost did one back until I realized he was just really enthusiastic about turning right
Just realized I’ve never “axed” anyone a question in my whole life.
Pushed a 15 year old dog in a stroller and not once did she ask for Cheerios or a juice box.
[Watching Star Trek with my date]
ME: *leans in* It’s called Star Trek but the stars don’t actually go anywhere.
After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.
[Turing Test]
Tester: Let’s start with an easy one, the square root of 29241?
Subject: 171!
Tester:
Subject: I meant, idk math is hard. lol
People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides
“Did you just elect a pope in there?” he asked as the vape cloud billowed from her car window.
CUTE CAT‼︎
Walmart flexes on me by putting two gallons of milk and a cantaloupe in one bag and a single taco seasoning packet in another.
One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos
I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”