Mob boss: Feed him to the fishes
[Neil deGrasse Tyson bursts in out of breath]
Neil: Actually these fish feed off Copepod and plankton
Mob boss: Him too
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If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.
I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.
If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.
New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!
How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home
Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.
Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany
In terms of spelling difficulty, I think the word “average” is between easy and hard.
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?
eating lightbulbs and setting your own house ablaze are rare but serious side effects of this medication. contact your doctor if this occurs.
Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.
If Twitter really wants to make money, they should let us pay to reduce someone else’s character limit. And take away their vowels.
FamousJerk: Wh t’s h pp n n g??
FamousJerk: H w t f x th s?
FamousJerk: H lp m l n!
Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”
My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.
PETER PIPER: honey i picked another peck of pickled peppers
WIFE: [motioning to pantry already full of peppers] peter literally what the fu
Whittling a shank in a meeting sends the message that it’s time to wrap things up.
Adult life blows…. Friends don’t even ask to see how fast you can run in your new shoes anymore.
I’ve met a lot of dudes named Will; never have they helped me find the way.
Hey boy, are you the tasks written on my whiteboard? Because I don’t plan on doing you
i want that job where u push scared skydivers out of the plane
A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.
Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.
This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
My daughter asked why I drink so much beer
I told her it’s because I actually have a condition that’s pretty unfortunate. You see, my body is actually not capable of producing its own alcohol
[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]
girlfriend: I’m sick of you having no sense of direction
me: where did that come from
My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.
Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws
I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.
spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks