[commercial for rakes]
“Are u tired of eating leaves?”
You Might Also Like
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
People who don’t follow you but comment on tweets with ridiculously stupid opinions are just hecklers with all the charm of a pedophile.
When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.
Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.
If you tell me my life would be SO much easier if I’d organize everything, I swear I will stab you with a fork. As soon as I find my fork.
In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day, in the interests of balance, the bbc interviewed satan.
HIGH SCHOOL BAND TEACHER: Look, you’ve failed at every other classical instrument we have. Do you think you could manage the triangle?
ME: I’ll make you proud, sir!–CONCERT NIGHT–
ME, standing outside, banging on triangle with a ladle: CONCERT’S READY, Y’ALL! COME N’ GIT IT!
I cannot stop laughing at this
Dove: Dad, what’s my name mean?
Me: It’s the symbol for love
Swallow: What about mine?
Me: Umm, true love.
And then I heard my mother’s voice come out of my mouth like a demonic possession, “Get your hands off my breakable ornaments!”
I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.
My mind is like a sponge.
It spends most of its time in filthy places.
Sirs & Ma’ams, It is a well-known fact that when Jesus takes the wheel, He doesn’t just stop with the wheel. He takes the stereo too.
Priest: I wonder what ignited the Notre-Dame cathedral fire?
Quasimodo: I have a hunch.
Priest: it’s always about you, isn’t it?
Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am–you’ve made a minimally powerful enemy.
Using “Hello” as a greeting
– boring
– uninspired
– predictableUsing “Hiya” as a greeting
– casually playful
– conveys enthusiasm
– leaves door open for karate
Me: *watching the driver of the hearse in front of us jump out, race to the back, open the door, peek in, and slam it shut* Well that’s disconcerting.
Son: Nah, it would be disconcerting if he ran away from the hearse.
me: what’s your sign
chef: spisces
If you have ever spent an hour on Twitter then you understand why there’s such an urgency to create Artificial Intelligence.
I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do
the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”
has it occurred to anyone that the reason dinosaurs are extinct is because purple is way to flashy in the wild?
Me: *walking out of dressing room* Ok be honest…
Boyfriend: I’m gay.
Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!
Them: What is it?
Me: I literally. Just. Said.
some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file
An umpire pulling out a small broom and sweeping his date’s chair before she sits down.
I miss this era type of pranks😭