Son: mom, you wanna dance with me?
Me, who has no rhythm: *dances*
Son: maybe you can just watch me instead.
You Might Also Like
yet another student using CatGPT to do their schoolwork
Me: I’m updating my fitness app. Is bowling a sport?
Him: You didn’t bowl. You kept score.
Me: Is score-keeping for bowling a sport?
I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.
6: what’s 3+1?
Me: 4
6: noooo it’s 3
Me: 3+1 is 4
6: nooooo it’s 3
Me:
6: the 1 is silent
2020: the pandemic is coming you gotta stay inside
ME: oh no
2021: the pandemic is ending you gotta go outside
ME: OH NO
*Secretly duct-tapes boomerang to the back of his car*
Him: *Drives away*
Me: *whispers* “yeah, you’ll be back.”
I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years
My wife is an economist and I am an engineer. I was watching my wife make her breakfast one morning, and noticed that she made way too many trips to get each of the items she needed. So I said in my best engineer voice, “Hey sweetheart, why don’t you utilize the load…
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
Not me once again breaking something in the house that I’ve repeatedly warned my children to be careful with
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.
Interviewer: Why do you want this job?
Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food
[alternate universe where vegetables enforce the law]
person: *sees a robbery* I’m calling the crops
Me – Okay well, put me down for bringing the flowers to the office party
Cw – oh no you don’t! We know you steal them from the cemetery
“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo
I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one..
There all like awww shit,
who’s it gonna be this time
You’re the Pepsi of people.
Some people like you, but they’re wrong.
My biology teacher asked what the function of carbohydrates were, but apparently “filling the deep well of sadness inside of me” was incorrect.
I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.
Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.
*STUDYING FOR JOB INTERVIEW*
•Never criticize your former employer
•Maintain eye contact
•Be positive*JOB INTERVIEW*
INTERVIEWER: Tell me about yourself.
ME: I worshiped my previous boss, *leans in close*
and we live in a world of limitless beauty.
repaired
Great Halloween costume idea for couples: Go in a tandem Titanic costume, then get into a big fight halfway thru the night and break up
You know you’re sick when your girlfriend asks if you’re feeling okay instead of the usual eye roll after spitting up a lung.
Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.
What kind of vegetable does an Elephant eat?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Squash
Trainer: Run a mile on the track at your own pace.
Me: Okay. *starts running*
*halley’s comet goes by*
*trainer dies of old age*
*halley’s comet passes again*
*the sun dies*
*final episode of the simpsons airs*
Me(almost halfway done): Halfway there!
Todays yoga pose is Downward Spiral.
I use the Toy Story defense when I go out in public. When someone sees me, I just freeze and hope they don’t figure out I’m a real person
Server: Congratulations, ma’am
Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?
S: Your husband said you’re eating for two
M: Oh she’s not pregnant
W: I despise you