I like my men well-rounded
and sweet
and rich
and available
and covered in sprinkles
wait a minute…
that’s donuts
I like donuts
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Granny, pay attention and don’t panic. I need you to think hard and tell me how many brownies you ate out of the blue pan.
If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it
“Will you make something for the bake sale?” The PTA president approaches me cheerfully.
“Oh, no, last time I baked, I set the kitchen on fire,” I laugh lightly.
Then whisper: “And that time it wasn’t even on purpose.”
If GMOs can make hundred pound tomatoes why don’t I have a pet teacup elephant yet?
How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.
I should have stayed in kindergarten.
White guy in horror movie: I think we should split up.
Me, antisocial: Solid move, Thad.
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 muscles to frown, then how can I tell if this girl is flirting with me and not just being lazy?
Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.
me: [wondering if i she can tell i lied about my job]
the woman cutting my hair: ocean king sounds stressful
me: it can be
I have an archaeology joke but nobody digs it.
Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!
Was going to do some writing on the porch but there’s a woman across the street lambasting her bf for cheating.
So now I’m just going to sit on the porch.
Cthulhu is just the sound I make when I’m trying to reply to the dentist.
Aquarius: Someone will hack into your dating profile, but won’t touch a thing because they think you’ve already been hacked. You haven’t.
“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.
Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.
Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.
Putting lotion on your hands and picking up your coffee cup is pretty damn stupid.
I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”
My wife says “Don’t walk away when I’m talking to you” when 1. she’s not talking, she’s yelling, and 2. I’m not walking away, I’m retreating
Me: I better make banana bread before all the bananas go bad
*walks into the kitchen to find the bananas wielding switch blades*
Me: h-how are you smoking??
“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*
Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?
“The powder |
“The pow|
“The power |
“The power of Cheese |
“The power of Ch|
“The power of Christ compels you!”– The AutocorrExorcist
Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.
Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine
I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.
[Me as 911 Operator]
*phone rings*
I wait for it to stop ringing and text back “what’s up”
That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.