man I hope machines don’t become sentient robots in my lifetime because my voicemail lady would straight up kick the shit outta me
You Might Also Like
I put the p in pants.
The 50k lady’s grandfather left her money that he could’ve spent on himself, and she handed it to scammers. Folks, NEVER provide for your family
[3am]
Me:
My Dog: time to set the world record for licking noises
*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*
MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN
Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.
*whispers* forlorn corn.
I don’t hate kids, I hate sociopathic little assholes raised by yuppie cunts who feel saying “no” will stifle the child’s creativity…
My dog, every day, brings out a shoe, a shoe of mine in my current shoe rotation, and won’t let it go until I give her a bully stick. It’s extortion!
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
I live with my husband, and my 14 y.o. son. I have learned that if I want to hide anything in our house all I need to do is put it behind something else and they’ll never find it.
VILLAIN: Hello, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expecting-
BOND: OMG congrats! How far along are you?
V: What? No-
B: Have you picked out a name yet?
Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor
If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.
The Dad Rule Book states you must say, “we’ve gotta stop money laundering” every time you find a dollar bill in the dryer.
My daughter came downstairs and gave me the last bite of her favorite candy. She’d learned to share, and I was proud.
Then her brother came downstairs asking who ate all of his candy. “WE did!” my daughter declared. She’d learned to share blame, and I was even prouder.
Only during a hurricane can you purchase a tarp, rope, duct tape and a shovel and no one questioned your motives.
How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”
Bat 1: Do you ever think God made us blind so that we may see the world for what it truly is?
Bat 2: (startled) who said that
My kid asked me what day of the week it is and I wish she wouldn’t ask me such hard questions
People: we are overfishing the sea
McDonalds: we’ll make the Filet o Fish smaller
People: nonononono
Look 2020, I just think I should start seeing other years
I think that next job interview I conduct I’m going to ask the candidate “What is best in life?”
If they don’t answer “To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women,” then hard pass.
It sucks that crazy people ruined wearing tinfoil hats for those of us that just did it for fashion purposes
ME: I’m heading to the shop
ROOMMATE: What are you going to get?
ME: [wearing a wedding dress] Compliments
The orthodontist says I’m doing a “super job” wearing my retainers. All this really means is that I’m able to put things in my mouth.
Very, very few humans have walked on the lunar surface. You might say that they’re in the moonority.
If you eliminate the delete option our tweets will become life sentences.
I got a notice we are taking company pictures today.
*walks in dressed as Super Girl.
It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.
The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations