[Home after awful day at work, my dog greets me]
Me: At least somebody’s happy to see me!
Dog: *shakes head, pulls banana from pocket*
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I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.
*must be why I’m single
kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card
*takes card*
kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?
no
is this your card ?
no
*27 cards later* is this your card ?
no…
If Pok茅mon has taught me anything it’s that if I see a cute animal I should force my cat to fight it until it’s weak enough to enslave.
6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT
Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school
Cerebral exploration with this Q tip.
We’re all getting idioter.
The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.
if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I鈥檇 get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast
(telling a ghost story)
You know those knocking noises you hear at night? That’s adulthood coming for you!*all the adults start screaming*
I鈥檓 at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.
Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.
For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.
[Bush鈥檚 Best Bean HQ]
Security guard: sir do you have business here?
Jack: I uh I鈥檓 waiting for someone
SG: *on walkie talkie* I think we may have a bean stalker
Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?
Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.
[Creation]
God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!
Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?
G: *throws a rock*
A: Sick shot!
G: Next time, apes
[walmart]
GREETER: hello 馃檪
ME: [leans in close] what’s the cheapest toilet paper you got
GREETER: i don’t know offhand
ME: you’re disgusting
ladies, when he’s sick, treat him right
1. make him chicken soup
2. tuck him in with the remote
3. buy a boa constrictor to snuggle him
My favorite animal is fried chicken.
Me: It鈥檚 easy. Just like a walk in the park.
Her: So, all the while, I鈥檒l be dodging protestors, the homeless, and muggers?
Son: Mom, can I sleep with you? I’m scared.
Me: No, I can’t risk the monster following you into my room and killing me.
Yep, it’s true馃憞馃徏馃槀馃槀馃槀
Him: Flash me a smile. You’re prettier when you smile.
I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.
When you鈥檙e eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.
Me, running into a mom friend at Trader Joe’s: oh your hair looks fabulous! Have you done anything different?
Her: Oh thanks! That’s the lice treatment
friend: you’re saying an alien pulled you onto his ship, examined you, and threw you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
*seductively eats two tums*
[About to invent coffee]
Guy: I’m gonna squeeze that bean so hard
Friend: You okay Greg?
My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist
this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same