Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount
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For the first time, all three of my kids are going to three different schools. I managed to get them all there on time for their first day, but intentionally ran a few minutes late on day two so their teachers didn’t have unrealistic expectations.
me: if there are any spirits here, pleasant yourself to us
ghost: bro did you just say pleasant instead of present?
me: oh no
2nd ghost: lmao this idiot said pleasant
3rd ghost: pleasant
4th ghost: pleasant
5th ghost: pleasant
Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.
I feel so stupid for believing in Santa Claus. How did I not realize this whole time it was my parents delivering the gifts to everyone in the world
Every time.
Not sure what’s more creepy, sifting through the trash dressed like a clown at 3am…or my neighbor peeking out his window watching me.
The Purge, but only for people who use their speakerphones in public.
If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.
Then he told me, “Where you see only one set of footprints, that’s where I had to carry you because you drank all the water I turned into wine.”
CASHIER: what, no tip?
ME: here’s a tip: always wear a seat belt
CASHIER: no, i meant money
ME: oh sorry. invest in a 401(k)
I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice. Didn’t really work tho, only got 20% off.
“Ninja please” -Japanese people
*Pouring nacho cheese over my bowl of cornflakes* No, I wouldn’t say I’ve let quarantine life change me.
to get your prison name, take your favorite weapon and then murder someone.
At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners
If they shoot down another flying object I’m going to have to start hoarding toilet paper again
Waitress: Breakfast is over
Me: Ah. Can I just get an egg sandwich tho? Can’t be too hard.
Waitress: We can’t do that but we can do eggs.
Me: Okay, eggs then.
Waitress: Bacon or sausage?
Me: …Bacon.
Waitress: Do you want toast?
Me: ….
I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.
You’re playing checkers and I’m over here playing with this horsey
Delilah: Hey
Jude: Hey there
Me: Whatcha doing on the PC?
Daughter: Looking at peckers.
M: WHAT?!?
D: Science project on chickens.
M: Oh.
D: You walked RIGHT into that.
Just havin’ brunch on my balcony, shootin’ down drones. They’re gettin’ crafty with these drones. The last one looked a lot like a bird. They all did actually. Squawkin’ and whatnot, feathers flyin’ everywhere. Nice try, drones.
I’ll straight up play reindeer games with a squid and squid games with a reindeer I really don’t give a shit anymore.
If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby
I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?
My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.
[bed]
M: “I’m freezing.”
H: *rolls over, adjusts pillows and blankets, wraps around me*
[1 min later]
M: “I’m hot, get off me.”
Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…