[Lab]
MONSTER: What is my name?
“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”
MONSTER: But that is your name
“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”
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I think Newton was actually hit by pigeon shit when he discovered gravity.. Falling of apple was just a ‘dignified’ cover up…!!
Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can’t do is pick up it’s own poop. You’re just a poop collector.
The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.
I don’t think people are allowed to complain about a Wonka Experience that sold itself as a day of magical whimsy then delivered uncanny horror beyond comprehension
Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.
The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.
The downside of having moles on my body is that my wife loves playing Whack-a-Mole.
I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.
Saw the optometrist and he said he’s going to have to increase my prescription because my eye muscles have gotten weaker. I think he can tell I’ve been skipping eye day when I go to the gym.
When a cop pulls me over I lick my lips and say, “Can I show you something sexy to get out of this ticket?,” then I open my center console full of snacks.
*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race
Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.
With grape soda comes grape responsibility.
I texted 8 on his iPad and asked him to call me and he said “I don’t have app for that” and I said USE A PHONE and he said “oh” and this is who’s supposed to take care me me when I’m old.
[Career Day]
Me: Money doesn’t buy happiness. However, it does buy tacos which make me happy. In conclusion, money does buy happiness.
Kids: *raise hands*
Me: I won’t be taking any questions.
My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?
I’m sorry your husband gets out his guitar when guests are over and keeps playing the first few chords of Wild Thing
children are a fun way to combine the impetuous insanity of a dog with the murderous disdain of a cat
(first day as a bartender)
customer: fifth of scotch.
me: cool. i’m half Puerto Rican.
“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
I can’t believe we live in a world where people actually pay money to run in a race.
Pay me $50 and I’ll make your life a living hell for an afternoon without the cardio.
*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend.
Darkness: New phone, who dis?
If my husband doesn’t start helping with the housework soon, we’ll need a crime scene cleaning crew.
This coworker is in a really good mood this morning, so I hacked his Facebook account and wrote “sexy” on all of his wife’s friends’ pics.
ME: *exists*
KID: that’s not how mommy does it
Kids don’t like to go to bed, and that’s how you know that they’re stupid.
Me: Hey boss sorry I’m late but my –
Boss: The chain from your wallet got tangled on your bicycle seat again…
Me: yeah
“I can’t believe putting bears in charge of the hospital administration system didn’t work out. They just kept eating all the patients!”
“Maybe we should let the bears choose the doctors?”
“And run the hospital cafeteria!”
“More bear involvement is obviously the answer!”