Me: How was school?
Toddler: Candice has a different mom.
Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.
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Fly me to the ouch
Let me play among the ouch
Let me see what ouch is ouch
On ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch.– Frank Piñata
My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.
Challenge accepted!
If your opponent cracks his knuckles before a fight, have comfort knowing that osteoarthritis will, in due time, avenge your savage beating.
Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.
Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.
I asked the bookstore employee where the self help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there
*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”
What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?
Impeccable.
*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*
*I’m still not sure*
Establish dominance by ordering ribs on your date and refuse to use a napkin.
(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions
[sees crush]
Oh you’re going to the mall? Wow weird me too. I totally need a new *tries to think of something at the mall* escalator
TRUMP: I’m gonna lose, huh?
RYAN: Yes.
[silence]
TRUMP: Thank God.
RYAN: I know
TRUMP: I’d be SO bad at it
RYAN: We literally all might die
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. righty-tighty, lefty-loosey
her: what?
me: what?
Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
*Gets arrested for making prank phone calls
[At Police Station]
“You can make one phone call”
*Dials random #
“Is your fridge running?”
Cramming a band’s whole discography just hours before a concert just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.
I have my binoculars ready for the upcoming solar eclipse. This is going to be amazing.
y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?
One time I screamed so hard about a professional athlete not playing through an injury I blew out my back and couldn’t work for a week.
when ppl ask to come inside my apartment I always say no bc that’s what a vampire would ask.
[my first day as a bank teller]
guy comes up to window: i’m here to make a withdrawal
me: i’ll need to see some ID sir
guy [pulls out gun]: here’s my ID
me: umm, sir, that’s not ID. that’s a gun [turning to coworker] is this guy an idiot?
guy: no, i’m saying, this is a robbery
me: no, sir. this is a bank [turning to coworker] is this dude for real?
i did not spend hours helping you clean your house just to be yelled at for hiding dishes in the oven
under no circumstances will my brother take the L
Arrogant Co-Worker: Do you have any idea how many years of education I have?
Me: Don’t feel bad, I got held back a couple of times myself.
Only 2 kids made it out of my Jedi class.
One killed the padawans.
The other was abandoned in the desert
I’m dreading that class reunion.