I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.
He’s awfully thin…
You Might Also Like
This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.
just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now
I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
sory– i mean– u look so prety yes u do
batman is not as cool as u
been making the same muffin recipe forever and tonight I finally remembered it by heart. I can’t express how good it felt to know exactly what to do and how disgusting they tasted because I forgot the eggs.
Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
Duck typos.
*Runs a bath
Me: ok, jump in
3: it’s too hot
*Adds cold water
Me: Ok, get in
3: it’s too cold
Apparently I gave birth to Goldilocks.
live, laugh, laundry.
Long job application should let me clock in to finish them
Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.
Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period
I can’t help being suspicious when somebody asks to borrow my effigy.
The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.
Sperm Can’t Remember Why It Came Into Womb
A married couple with no kids just asked my wife and I to go out for drinks at 9:30 tonight.
They did it with a straight face too.
“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
It’s ok to laugh during sex…just don’t point.
Top 3 screwdrivers:
1. Tool for turning screws
2. Vodka and orange juice
3. Method of Uber payment
Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.
Stole my neighbors family portrait & got it tattooed on my back. Now I’m standing in their living room facing the wall 2 see if they notice.
I’m convinced that thumb wars were created when two guys just about to dance with each other got caught
My bf’s first language is french, and he forgot the word for “lid”, so instead he held up the pot and asked “where is his hat?”
Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…
Wrong answers only !
Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
I would offer to wisk you away on a forbidden, sin filled vacation, but I just paid for an airport mixed drink instead…
9-year-old: Sorry I stayed up past my bedtime last night.
Me: You stayed up past your bedtime?
9: No.
As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.
I’m more “fermented”.