I can’t imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.
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Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid
Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you
Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house
Wife: Are you crying in there?
Me crying: NO!
W: have you been eating cheese again? *opens door*
Me with mousetrap stuck to lips: NO
Me: “Hey Siri, what color are your panties?”
Siri: “Why would I be wearing panties?”
Me: “Oh, you’re such a naughty girl, Siri.”
“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets
Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.
7:43 pm: I am in an argument with my girlfriend and my anger is justified
7:51 pm: I have just apologized for the Salem Witch Trials
You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.
The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.
The rain is pounding so hard I’m kind of jealous.
Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?
Like they do now… Holy shit.
I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.
My 9-year-old brought a guinea pig to the table for lunch. Then she left to get something from the kitchen. Now the guinea pig and I are just staring at each other. Awkward lunch for two.
“Alright they’ve left for vacation lets rob em”
Oh shoot their porch lights are on
“So what we literally watched them leave”
Rules are rules
*replaces cream in doughnuts with mayo, tries not to laugh as Frank from accounting eats one…watches, waits, frowns as Frank goes for 2nd
Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year
I love that Amazon hires data scientists to figure out that based on my excessive paper towel purchase history I likely have two kids and a cat
I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”
Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.
I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.
how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense
Carrot cake is both my favorite carrot and my least favorite cake.
Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.
“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.
i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum
teacher: your son said you threatened to beat him?
me: at checkers!
teacher: and forced him to sleep outside?
me: we went camping!
teacher: and made up his peanut allergy so he couldn’t share your snickers?
me: yeah, that one I did