My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.
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I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.
doc: i think you’re dying
me: I want a second opinion
doc: i think it’s great
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”
Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”
*walks past yoga studio*
*looks in window*
*eyes widen*Awesome. It’s like kindergarten.
*walks into class*
*unrolls mat*
*takes a nap*
Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.
I’m going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me.
Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.
Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.
The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’
My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.
Me: “I’m looking for a psychic who rates themselves highly.”
Ian: “I’m a medium.”
Me: “I need someone better than that.”
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m in the Secret Service”
Wow, you didn’t keep that secret too well did you
Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?
Me: Here Cap.
Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?
Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.
Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that
I’m 51 now, but still cling to the hope of me flying through a room horizontally shooting 2 handguns at once one day 😌💭
You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables
Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Is it because I’m obsessed with Greek mythology?
Her: It’s because of your stupid nicknames for things.
Me, pouring a glass of water: Would you care for Poseidon’s milk?
the girl from the ring starts crawling out of the tv, stops halfway, looks around my room, and crawls back into the tv
A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.
A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along
We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.
4yo *holds out a play cellphone*
It’s for you.Me: Who is it?
4yo: Someone about an extended warnty.
Me: Son of a ….
I’ve never been addicted to drugs, but I imagine the urge is what my mother-in-law feels to rearrange my utensil drawer at my house.
me doing my best
[at family gathering]
Me: *shoving jumbo shrimp in my mouth*
Mom: Where are your manners?
Me: *points over at sister* She has them.
We went on a family vacation and it was a terrible experience. It was all whining, complaining, and tantrums. And don’t get me started on what my kids did.
—What are we?
—Women!
—What do we want?
— We don’t know!
—When do we want it?
— Now!