How to find Kentucky on a map
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The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?
I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.
Me, first week as a volunteer firefighter thinking we only rescue cats: We’re going where?
If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl
i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it
Me: *considering sleeping in*
My dog: No no no no no let’s go let’s go let’s gooooo.
Me: *taking an art appreciation class*
Instructor: Please bring my students back
When you’re running late, don’t tell your kids you’re running late cause they won’t move any faster and they’ll say fun things like, “I’m fine being late”.
Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?
i wish i could marry a nap
I used to make fun of people who had diaries that lock, that is until my husband found the one I kept as a teenager and now he knows that my favorite song of 1986 was Jimmy Jimmy by Madonna and he brings it up when I need to be put in my place which is often btw
5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe
My coworker Pete got fired and apparently I didn’t lighten the mood by calling him Obsol-Pete.
The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”
Apparently.
*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*
me: just bear with me
bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in
nurse: name?
me: david
nurse: age?
me: 35
nurse: sex?
me: almost once
new wife guy just dropped
A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.
at library
ME: This book wasn’t helpful at all!
LIBRARIAN: Why? What’s the problem?
BIRD: [mockingly] “Why? What’s the problem?”
A big storm is coming & everyone’s buying bread, milk, and eggs. Apparently you battle bad weather with French Toast.
[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
Picture a travel softball team doing a TikTok dance in a public restroom.
Now picture me stuck in the stall because they have to re-record 12 times to get it “post-worthy.”
Can you guess where I’m tweeting from?
TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.
Marie Kondo Vs. Hoarders
“Do these 370 cats bring you joy?”
“Yes. Get out!”
Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke!
Alexa: You’re definitely going to finish that home improvement project this weekend.
Year 2696.
Archeologists 1: *looking at cursive written on an ancient wall* Come here, I’ve made a discovery. What does it say?
Archeologist 2: If my translation is correct it says, “For a good time, call your mom.”