I’m sorry I punched you when you said “Facebook me”.
I thought you said “Face punch me”.
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Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?
John Smith: …
“I see you’ve got one drop of pee left in you. It would be a shame if something were to… show everyone.”
– Khaki pants
Caesar: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.
shit just got real
Somewhere a guitarist sets down his instrument, pours gas on it, & lights it ablaze while Miley Cyrus naked on a wrecking ball shoots to #1.
me: i’d sell my soul for clear skin.
dermatologist: drink more water.
me: [glaring] i SAID i’d sell my SOUL for clear skin
[5 mins after seeing our neighbour’s new boat]
wife: “everything’s a competition to you”
me: [trying to find the moon on eBay] “no it’s not”
I saw a billboard that said, “Be her Romeo” and featured a pic of a diamond ring. Apparently they have not read Shakespeare.
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
Toddlers and Tiaras: Fat, sexually frustrated soccer moms invest their husband’s money in ruining their daughter’s lives.
The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home
mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons
These true crime docs are fantastic but pretty soon Netflix is going to have to start murdering dudes just to keep up.
I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.
I couldn’t live off of that celery.
“Miss Yates, why didn’t Sam and Frodo just use the eagles to fly the ring to Mount Doom?” – Ted Cruz.
Everyone else: hold my beer
Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit
If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..
It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?
the warning on my razor says “for external use only” and now I have questions
Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….
Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.
My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her
Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.
*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.
I pan fried chicken tonight.
On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.
[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”
I WANT NERVOUS CHAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!
STUBBORN belly fat?
Is there any other type?
What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
Back to school sale prices are so cheap. I’m getting all of my Christmas shopping done.
25 cent rulers for everyone!
Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.