“And then we’ll have the throat hole open up and a rectangle candy will drop from it. Kids will love it.” ~ Inventors of Pez dispensers.
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[tv news room]
CHIEF: we need someone to cover the hurricane
PRODUCER: ok who do we hate the most
It is estimated that, on average, American children spend nearly 40% of their waking hours Not Gaming. That number is even worse among marginalized communities. I refuse to accept this in the richest country in the world.
Even though Janice had always wanted an extravagant wedding, she couldn’t help but feel putting toilet paper on the bridal registry was a bit over the top.
Pretty sure my last words will be something along the lines of, “just cut the moldy part off; I’m not wasting good cheese!”
“It’s better to give than to receive.”
I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet
Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame
I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.
It helps to think of every business meeting as a game, where the object is to leave the room with fewer action items than anybody else.
I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.
I always try and write my tweets real slow because I know some of you can’t read fast.
The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.
ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food
GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste
ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny
A woman at my gym tonight told me my kids look just like me because they inherited my “small face.” Can somebody help me out, because I just really need to know if I should be offended.
Cats (2019)
Probably the worst sound to hear is a crying baby because best case scenario there’s a baby in distress near you but if there isn’t then you’re about to face horrors beyond compare.
It’s great that doctors are now offering digital appointments, but my online gyno checkup was really awkward.
“Ooh, you’ve caught the sun”
Translation: You look like you’ve been swimming in a volcano
My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.
I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.
Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I’m running late to a concert and I’m the guy who brings the giant beach ball.
I could have been a monk but I missed my chants
These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.
Twitter should disable deleting tweets and add a regret button instead.
Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.
Breaking into my enemies home and eating all their cheese.
When I hear my kids try to insult each other with “yo momma” jokes, I end up yelling how I’m not fat or stupid.
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.
What’s the opposite of irony?
Crinkly.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
HER: [she puts her hand down my pants] mm what do we have in here
ME: [sweatin because thats where I keep my chicken mcnugget stash] nothin