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I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit
You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.
What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat
What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!
My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.
Jogging
[millipede preschool]
head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…
me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁
<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.
Cat burglar: Quietly steals all your valuables
Dog burglar: Eats your ham, sleeps in bed with you for awhile, wakes you up to go out at 3am
my lawyer: deny everything
me: no
i’m not dating for marriage i’m dating to split streaming and nytimes subscriptions
Omg, you guys, the Jehovah’s Witnesses just showed up at my door, and I guess I’ve been living alone for too long because I talked so much they finally had to excuse themselves.
Arcade Fire: great band / nerd way to die
It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.
when you swipe left on a guy and Bumble says “you’ve missed a potential match!” like yeah I know I did that on purpose
the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”
Don’t have a second child until the first one is old enough to take care of it. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
I want you to drag me to the bedroom, softly lay me down, & kiss my neck. Now go clean the house while I take a nap.
[Me getting cut off in traffic]
GET OFF YOUR PHONE AND WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING!
[Notices USMC sticker]
AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!
14: How do you feel about people of color?
Me: What do you mean? The same I feel about everyone.
17: But you hate everyone.
14: Wow. Just flat out being racist at the dinner table.
Me: Please shut up.
Kid: Daddy will you sing that song about the cars
Me: Sure buddy: “One of them dames was sexy as hell, I said “oh I like your size.” She said “my car’s broke down and you seem real nice, Would ya let me ride?”
Wife: I think he means wheels on the bus…
I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.
My kid told his preschool teacher that we have a dog (we don’t) and that our dogs name is barf (?) so no, I don’t trust anything out of a toddler’s mouth
Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.
Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.
I trust that will be the end of that.
I have been vegan for 11 years, but I was pinched by a crab today, and I feel it is only fair that I be allowed to eat one (1) of them as retribution.
I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window
Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine
Bank robber: This is a robbery! Nobody do anything stupid!
My wife slowly turns to face me and mouths: You are gonna die
I’m the kind of friend that will send you a fake emergency text to get you out of a bad date
But also the kind of friend that will make it say:
“Grandma is in the hospital. She fell off her skateboard again”
Touch it gently, put 2 fingers
inside, if it’s wide use 3
fingers,make sure it’s wet and
rub up and down. Yep that’s how
you wash a cup.