Real women don’t wish their enemies would die, just that they’ll get fat.
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Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating
[shopping]
[wife being a real pain]
Me: *hands her the broom we just bought* You want me to carry this? Or do you want to drive it home?
Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there
Really hoping this is Halloween related
Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.
The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.
[6:00pm] i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight
[11:00pm] yay i did it!
[11:01pm] *preheats oven*
I get it, drug commercials. I too like to dance while I describe all my side effects
DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high
MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious
Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.
I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.
For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.
I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.
Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?
Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency
Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run
“Why would you want to live in the Matrix instead the richness of reality, doesn’t make any sense,” I mutter as I reach for my phone immediately after waking up.
“Welcome, Mr. Bond.” I say, spinning around on my chair. My elbow catches the glass on the table and spills water all over my death ray.
Worm: If you cut a glow worm’s tail off, he’ll be de-lighted haha
Me: I don’t get it
Early bird: I do
[murder scene]
MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea
*wife offers me a sip of her water*
m: Am I gonna catch what you have?
w: No
m:
w:
m: Are you sur-
w: You’re not going to get my period!
Wife: “I’d do anything for a cupcake.”
Me: “Anything?”
*drives to store*
*brings home cupcakes*
*discovers “anything” includes lying*
My boss: Two hours is enough time to get lunch catered for a meeting, right?
Me: *screams internally* I will make it happen.
[i get run over by a bus]
MEDIA: flattened idiot has troubled past, has written over 600 pages of sexualized shrek fan fiction
“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.
*dog runs for president*
*dog sits for president*
*dog rolls over fo
You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.
If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”
i’m really good at reading people’s true feelings from their words. for example, my wife said “i love how you’ll just leave the dirty dishes in the sink and wait for me to do them,” but i was able to determine that she does not, in fact, love that
Did you ever see someone yawn, and then yawn yourself? That psychological reaction is a phenomenon known as: “Katherine Heigl movies.”
The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from