“If anyone has a reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace”
(from the back)
He saw Creed live in 2003
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[on date]
“I think we should take this a step farther”
Actually, farther implies distance, while further is figurati-
*date already left*
So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing
This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.
4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…
Guys the harlem shake died almost 7 years ago so it should be reaching Facebook soon
when they’re all distracted let’s quickly fix the housing market
If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.
I’m giving up being Catholic for Lent.
Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips
Sign of the day..
I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore
[philosophy class]
PROFESSOR: u must question everything
[later]
ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!
Snapes on a plane.
I dread doing laundry as if I didn’t have a machine that washes the clothes for me and another that dries them for me, as I do nothing
Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“
Bread puns are on the rise!
I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]
Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?
12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!
Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned
hamburger doesn’t need your help.
Aquarius: Someone will hack into your dating profile, but won’t touch a thing because they think you’ve already been hacked. You haven’t.
Co-worker: “If you love something, set it free, if it comes back it’s yours to k..”
Me – “THOSE ARE BOOMERANGS, MICHELLE.”
I know my car needs a wash and valet, but with 3 kids still at home I figure I may as well wait until the youngest moves out. She’s 7.
After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.
exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out
One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning
<during sex>
Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?
Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.
Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.
I can’t believe how different life was before
*googles*
Al Gore invented the Internet
Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.