I drove by two different First Baptist churches today.
One of them is lying.
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[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half
Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.
[Firing squad]
Sergeant: Blindfold?
Me: You promi—
Sergeant: Yes, yes, I promise nobody will tickle you
superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early
man: is that a bird?
The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
………GO TO HELL!!
[Logging in]
• Password must be 6 digits
Me : *Types “6 digits”*
Computer : You are an imbecile.
[waking up after a night of drinking]
Age 21: did i make out with someone
Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog
There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.
When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years
Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chest because of the belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.
I knew all that yoga stretching and bending would come in useful some day…
…I thought to myself as I contorted my entire body to retrieve a mini chocolate egg that had rolled under the bed.
if god really loved all the people of the world why do our heads weigh so much.
Top Four Signs of Job Security:
4. Promotions and raises
3. Specialized skills
2. Top producer
1. Compromising photos of the boss
Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter
The human body is incredible. Right now, if I so desired, I could do 15 percent of a backflip and wreck my shit right here on the sidewalk.
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.
I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.
ME: *opens car door for date like a gentleman*
DATE: *running and out of breath* PLEASE STOP THE CAR
K1: Frankincence
K2: Myrrh
K3: Gold
K1 & K2: WHAT?
K3: Gold
K1: We said £20 each!
K3: I..
K1: I hate you
K3: Wrap it from all of us?
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
Child: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
Did you have a good weekend or did your 4 y/o tell a lady with grey hair in the greeting card isle to “Move it old lady!”?
Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.
8:00 AM: I am 100% committed to this new diet!
8:45 AM: Eats an entire box of uncooked lasagna noodles
If you’ve ever fed goats at the farm where they clamber all over you chewing at your clothes, then you know what my kids are like when I pull out some string cheese
Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.
Me: I wish for unlimited genies.
Genie: Son of a
I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar
Them: your pets are spoiled
Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide
going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason