My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
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The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*
“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”
“Fluffy died today”
“Oh my god I’m so sorry, was he a cat or dog?
“He was a boa constrictor”
“Well that made me feel better”
My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch
Ominous sub-editing fail of the day
I’m one salad away from identifying as a rabbit
Me: What did she send you on Snapchat?
My pre-teen: A picture of a wall.
Me: What did you send back?
My pre-teen: The ceiling.
Me: THE DEVIL KICKED JOHNNYS ASS! HE DONT APPRECIATE THE GOLDEN FIDDLE
Cop: *megaphone* UR SO WRONG- oh sorry chief- LET THE HOSTAGES GO
COMPUTER: Your password has expired.
ME: So it’s a passéword.
You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
Here, let me loosen those morals for you.
Filming my own version of “Taken” using cats. My cat will play Liam Neeson and the red dot from a laser pointer is his daughter.
FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.
I lock the closet that holds my skeletons very tightly. Learned that lesson the hard way after the dog ran off with the wife’s femur.
hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees
I really just spent $40 on a costume for my dog so I can win a work pet costume contest for a $10 coffee gift card.
Do I regret it? Nope. Karen from accounting and her cat are going down
Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.
Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.
“Thats a killer dirt bike you’ve got, man!”
*dirt bike holds a knife to your throat*
Believe me…I know.
Money was so tight last Xmas I had to sell a kidney for gifts. And this year it’s getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.
I don’t mean to brag, but I don’t need to buy a new Tamagotchi. The one I got in 1997 is not only still alive, but it’s healthier than I am.
My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”
In the midst of getting dressed, I got a notification that my painted lady caterpillars were delivered four minutes ago, so I happily ran down the stairs to go get them and realized right before I got to the front door that I HAVE NO TOP ON.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
*I open the curtains with a smile, enjoying the gentle breeze on my naked body*
ME: Good morning, world!
CURTAIN STORE MANAGER: Call the police, Karen… He’s back.
*hits bong*
*abuses bong*
*bong calls bong protection agency*
*bong custody taken*
*bong put in foster home*
*bong misses old life*
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.