me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose
CDC: no
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You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.
if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle
Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.
a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs
My husband woke me up in the middle of the night, no, NOT for sex, but to ask me if I have any “dank memes”.
You don’t even wanna know how I beyond annoyed I am today.
[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.
ME: I got fired for microwaving fish at work
HER: whoa, fired? that seems harsh
ME: whatever, I didn’t like working at the aquarium anyway
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
Crying is a sign of leakness.
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
My resolutions are:
1) Stop making any lists.
B) Be more stable.
7) Learn to count.
basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun
hostess: table or booth
termite family: we’ll have both
Um, my eyes are up here.
-giraffes
Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe
Bus driver: I really don’t care
I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.
Going from summer clothes to winter clothes: Ok.
Going from winter clothes to summer clothes: I AM NOT READY.
Watching Moana (for the 869th time)*
Me: oh no, who’s going to help Moana?
3: *really angry” not anybody!! she can do all the things by herself
I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.
Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?
Nothing says “I love you mom” like my 6yo asking me who gets my iPad when I die.
#ISeeNoPointIn trying to do bunny ears as a joke
SCARY COSTUME
NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash
burglar tip: do NOT steal the clear freezer gemstones they’ll melt in ur pockets & make it look like u peed urself all ur friends will laugh
Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?
“Don’t you dare call my lazy friend lazy”, my friend defending my honour
At Toys R Us:
TRU: Yessir?
Me: I want a light saber.
TRU: We have basic to advanced, how old is your
grandson?Me: 40ish
It took years for my gf to get me to put down the toilet seat. Though, I really don’t know why I was carrying it around in the first place.
The “bangles to politicians” insult says “come be weak like women because the weak wear bangles”. No thanks, “self-proclaimed real men”.
Livid.